The Story of Your Body

I spent this last weekend out in the country and had some free moments to myself to reflect.

There was a moment where I paused in the full length mirror and saw the 31 year old that I am.  I like the way I look, but for the first time I realized that my body looks a little different.  Meaning, it occurred to me that I don't look 18 anymore.  I was looking at a 30-something's body, and guess what?

I smiled.

Back in high school my favorite singer/songwriter was Ani DiFranco.  I own approximately ten of her albums.  I've definitely not kept up with her music like a devoted teenager would, but her songs have always stuck with me.   There was a certain lyric from her song "Jukebox" that came to mind.

her hair bears silent witness

to the passing of time

tattoos like mile markers

map the distance she has gone

winning some, losing some

I know some cancer survivors personally and on their bodies are scars.  Some are surgery scars, some are "tattoos" on their bodies used to mark where the chemo laser would need to be pointed every time.  Signs that their bodies have survived.

A more public example would be Elly Mayday.  

A college friend of mine sent me to a website telling her story.  At 25 years old she is battling cancer.  Although she started as a plus-size model for Forever Yours Lingerie (https://foreveryourslingerie.ca/), one year later Elly was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  She most recently underwent a nine hour operation to remove stomach cancer.  The owner of the Canadian lingerie company decided she wanted to show Elly as is.

Her bald head and scar on her stomach were left for everyone to see.  If you take a gander at their website, you will be very encouraged at the use of models of all sizes.  As a side note, there are images of Elly as is, but also wearing wigs and photoshopped.  They do so, because she requested that she continued to be viewed as a model, and not just a model with cancer.

But here's where I'm going with this...

Our culture only values youth and perfection, but I don't.  I smiled at my 31 year old body, because it has experience.  It's traveled with me and been a home for my soul, and I like that there are scars and bumps.  It shows that I've won some, and I've lost some.  Others may look at their bodies and see the battle of the weight, but why not feel proud of the body that has given you so much life?  Do we not respect those with wisdom?  Then why don't we respect our aging bodies?  

Where has your body been?  What do you have to show for it?

Why Marilyn was and isn't a Size 14

This is a short little blog (lots going on in Miss Blogger's world), but I've seen some frustrating posts online (and have for some time) regarding sizing for one particular Hollywood bombshell for quite some time.  I've decided to clear the air for my readers.

Often times when speaking of embracing curves, men and women alike will refer to Marilyn Monroe.  And why wouldn't you?  She was beautiful...and yes, curvy.

Marilyn's measurements are said to have been approximately 34/28/37.  But she was a size 14 (some say 12, some say 16).  So before you go and get confused, allow me to explain.

Pattern companies stopped adjusting sizes in the 1960s, but retail kept vanity sizes changing as we got larger.  Today, Marilyn would be approximately a size 6.  Yes, it's true.  But if she were to make a dress from a pattern she would still be a size 14.

Back at a costume store I used to manage, we had an authentic, vintage 1950's size 8 dress.  The waist measurement?  A whopping 23".  TINY.  So tiny, I never saw it rent, but one time for a middle school production.  And I believe the girl was maybe 12 years old.

I know that citing Marilyn Monroe creates a lot of frustration, because most people don't know the way of the retail/design world.

So to end your frustration once and for all:

Yes, Marilyn was a 14.  And yes, Marilyn is a 6.  Funny the difference a few years can make.

Why the High Fashion Runway Won't Change

We all know that runway models are starving themselves for their jobs.  They eat paper, only drink water, and smoke to help burn away the last of the calories.  But these standards were not set forth by the models, but rather the designers and agencies who employ them.

Last year the Council of Fashion Designer of America, presided by famous designer Diane Von Furstenburg, created a list of regulations to help crack down on unhealthy models.  These regulations monitor the women's BMI, diet, exercise, and age.  Unfortunately, these "regulations" aren't laws, they are merely strong recommendations.

So why do other designers insist on their models being only 13 years old and weighing in at 98lbs?  As a former costumer and designer, it's easy to see why.

They need a living hanger.

I hate to reduce any human being to an object.  After all, wasn't it a curse in Beauty and the Beast??  But it's true.

When you begin designing for real women, it requires much more tailoring and thought.  Not every woman looks good in everything (as we all know far too well).  So how do you make all of your clothes look good no matter who is wearing them?  You make sure the people wearing them don't look like women.  As a designer, especially a very conceited one, you don't want your audience admiring the woman or being distracted by how a certain garment fits on her.  You want the entire focus to be on your work.  Also, sample sizes are just that: they create these haute couture pieces in only one size.  A very small size (less fabric = less work), and you have to fit the dress not the other way around.

In a nutshell, it's harder to design for real women.  And the ego of some designers don't want to think about function.  Imagine all of the stupid weird things you've ever seen come down a runway:

These clothes are their artistic expression.  They can't be bothered with practicality.  If you've never met an egotistical fashion designer, you're lucky.  The ones with egos are unbearable.  And a common trait is "My Way or the Highway" kind of mentality, because the simpletons that the rest of us are don't understand the art that is parading in front of us.

And this is why it won't change for high fashion.  Practical fashion designers are starting to listen to their audience and hiring *gasp* size 4's...on occasion.  But all fashion starts with high fashion and trickles its way down (historically speaking it's always been that way).  So as long as deranged artists are designing, the people wearing the clothes are of no consequence.  They just need a hanger to get their clothes down a runway.

PC Disclaimer: Since no one is EVER permitted to generalize...this is my politically correct statement to ensure my readers that I do not believe that ALL high fashion designers are egotistical and don't care about their models.  However, if the vast majority were not, would we even be having this debate?

 

The "Plus Sized" Stigma

I'm ringing in the new year with my wonderful blog readers!  I took a little time off for the holidays, and I hope yours was as wonderful as mine.  Thank you for supporting me in 2013, and I plan to continue my commitment in 2014 to continue writing.

My blog this morning is spurred by a visit to a website.  I am a subscriber to the site AdoreMe.com.  It's a monthly bra/panties/lingerie website that is like Shoe Dazzle for underwear.  I went to look at my January "Showroom" where they put together styles they think you may like in your size.  Every month, I'm reminded that because I'm a 34DD I am plus sized.

I feel so torn about this term.  Sometimes I feel as though you might as well say, "This is the fat page."  Here is the difference in the models:

"Regular Model"

"Plus Sized Model"

I have to admit, I feel more comfortable looking at the "Plus Sized" model.  I feel as though I can relate to her better, and the set is more likely to look on me like it does on her.  I look at the "regular" model, and I can't relate.  So I like that there different sizes of models.  Gives thinner girls an idea as to what the clothing will look like on them, and my plus size girl lets me know if I am going to look good in what I order.

When you look up the definition of plus sized in the fashion world there isn't exactly one set size.  But a size 8 is considered ideal.  

Size 8.

Now it's easy to say, "Are you saying that size 8 is fat??"  And get defensive about it.  After all, why can't we just be "normal" sized.  Plus Sized models have the same type of requirements that regular fashion models do.  They have to be at least 5'7" and they have to be hourglass.  They're not going to mess with pear shaped, rectangular shaped, etc.  They are still looking for the most beautiful of the beautiful.

But some people don't see it that way.  

Some people see supporting plus sized as supporting obesity.  So I ask those...is a size 8 obese?  I hope not.  I think that's a normal size for some women.  Not all of us are athletes with metabolisms of Olympic proportions.  And a lot of us work...A LOT.  And very long hours.  VERY LONG hours.

There was an Australian blogger who decided to take up bloggers and plus size supporters like myself, and do a mock-up of what a  plus sized Barbie would look like:

I find this beyond insulting.  This is an example of how Plus Sized is equated to fat.  And that is why women are torn regarding that term.  So if I'm plus sized, I've now got more chins than a Chinese phone book?  Last I checked this is an example of a plus sized model:

Robyn Lawley

Are there obese people in our country?  Yes, of course.  We are becoming a large country that struggles with our weight.  But do I believe that being "plus sized" is unhealthy?  No, I don't.  Because your definition of plus sized may be different from mine.

What do you think of when you think of the term "Plus Sized?" Do you picture extreme obesity?  Or do you picture models I've pictured above?  Does the fashion industry feed you the lie that to be plus sized is to be "obese" in order to continue with their one definition of beauty?  They don't want to change.  It's harder to design and dress and real women.  Interferes with their artistic freedom...those curves do.

...but that's a blog for another day....

Sometimes acceptance is adjusting your definition and making your life subjective when your happiness is at stake.

Stop the Fat Talk, Fatty McFatty Fat

In many of my past blogs, I have talked about the power of positive self-talk.  Although my blog is focused on women accepting their physical, so much of our lives depend on the spiritual and mental.

I once heard that it takes seven positive comments to cancel one negative comment.  So this is what needs to happen for us on a daily basis:

But all too often this is what it is like in our heads:

We get so many negative reinforcements for our bodies' imperfections, that it will take time to learn to develop positive thinking.  I don't know about you, but most of my fat talk happens in front of the mirror.  I'll put on a outfit and the self deprecation starts pouring out.

"I look fat."

"I hate these love handles."  (Then I pull them back to imagine myself without them.)

"I can't believe these pants used to fit.  Way to go, Fatty McFat Fat."  (Yes, I've actually said that to myself.)

"So, Miss Blogger," you ask, "what do you find works for you?"  

I generally live my life surrounded by humor.  As my followers know, I am an actress.  My full time job is comedy.  So that's how I deal with it.  I turn it on myself.  I start making making funny faces and acting stupid until I realize how stupid I am in my self criticism.  In other words, I make a mockery of my fat talk.

Now I realize not everyone wishes they were the next Carol Burnett.  But there is power in knowing that the human mind is wired to process negative more than positive.  When you are self aware you can act towards correcting your behavior.  Write post-it notes to yourself and put them on your mirror.  Write things like, 

"You look great today."

"Smile."

"Did you cut your hair?  It really brings out your curves."  (Ok, so that one's my stupid humor creeping back in, but if it works for me why couldn't it work for you?)

Take a look at some statistics:

It is also proven that we believe people who spout negative comments are smarter.  Why?  We tend to believe that someone who can make critical comments have a higher level of analysis than the average person.  Have you ever noticed that most people hate others who seem to always be happy?  They're annoying, right?  And they come across as shallow.  But put a hyper critical person behind a cup of coffee with a dose of passion and suddenly you have the next Einstein.  Sitting in a group of other women and rattling off criticism of your body doesn't make you smarter, wiser, or more self-aware.  You may think they're all thinking it about you, but chances are they weren't analyzing you if they're your friends.  (Strangers will always put down others to make themselves feel better.) 

But guess what Einstein actually said:

That's right.  Psychologists have linked happiness with people who create progress.  But a setback (even a minor one) jeopardizes everything you have created.

Progress doesn't have to be anything big.  It could have to do with weight loss.  Say, for instance, only eating dessert once a week.  (My chocolate monster brain just screamed at me for that one.)

Or make goals at work, with your family, your home...whatever you would like.  When you are creating a life of progress you are creating happiness.  But understand that setbacks are part of life, and this is where your mind is more powerful than the chaos that surrounds it.  

In high school, my photographer teacher was an understated man.  He fought in Vietnam and struggled with dyslexia when no one understood the disorder.  His advice for me?

Happiness is a choice.

My high school brain didn't understand, but as an adult I absolutely agree.  You have the power within your mind to create happiness.  Fat talk will do nothing for you or your life.  Create progress for yourself, and then overcome your setbacks with the mental positive.  

I believe you can do it.  

You are stronger than you think.

And your hair cut really does bring out your curves.

Body Type Stereotypes

There was recently a mother of three who posted a picture on Facebook that created a huge reaction.

I personally believe her approach to encouraging a healthy lifestyle was offensive.  Many mothers of three (and even single women like myself) can think of MANY reasons why it is difficult to get to a gym.  Sometimes I am too tired to get myself to the grocery store much less work out, because I've had four 15 hour days in a row.  I'm not complaining about my job.  I love it, but it is time consuming.  And to have someone flaunt their abs in your face and use a phrase that belittles those that don't look like her is infuriating.

Are we all imposing body type stereotypes upon one another?

Is this a classic case of misunderstanding on both sides?  Is she assuming that you are lazy because you aren't sporting a six pack and headed to the gym 4-5 times a week?  Are we assuming that she's unsympathetic and cruel because she's beautiful and in shape?

Behind every physical is an emotional story.

Maria Kang was banned from Facebook for a short time, because after the backlash towards her photo she then began a crusade against obesity in our country.  Again... she used inflaming language and rather than encourage she seems to always have a tinge of hate towards those that are overweight or not in great physical shape. 

However, if you take the time to visit her website, you will discover that she struggled with bulimia, and is angry that her mother died at an early age with multiple health problems.  Her latest entry is entitled "Sorry but not sorry."  Well, that's not much of an apology.  In fact, it's not one.  

http://www.mariakang.com/2013/11/26/sorry-but-not-sorry/

I believe this woman is merely on a crusade to heal her own personal wounds.  She is bitter and angry at her mother's early death and blames it on obesity.  She is still battling the physical despite that she is healed from bulimia.  

May I say that I, in no way, condone living an unhealthy lifestyle.  But my blog is for the uplifting.  There are times in every woman's life when we will gain weight or lose weight.  But our self importance should not rely on the physical.  Maria Kang is another example how our emotional status directs impacts our physical.  

Take care of not only your body, but your mind and spirit as well.  Don't make assumptions about a person based on the physical.  This woman is not setting people off because of her message to be healthy or her beauty.  To be angry with a woman for that is pure jealousy.  She is angering people, because she is emotionally hurt.  And she is taking her anger out on those that are overweight.  The same thing happens to women who are overweight, and lash out at the slim women who criticize them.

Health is more than just the body.  Just because you are physically fit doesn't mean you are "healthy."  And just because you have a few extra pounds doesn't mean you are "unhealthy."  If you keep your mind and emotions healthy your body image will follow.

       

Perfection is Depression

Binge eating or unhealthy eating habits can often grow from anxiety or depression.  Or sometimes it's the opposite: you are anxious or depressed and a means of controlling your life is through food.  Outside of a clinically diagnosable depression or anxiety disorder, women feel elements of this all the time.

How many times have you ever gone to your closet for a special night out and tried on 10 different outfits?  And in every single one you felt fat?  If you're in that situation, here is what I suggest:

1.  Take a deep breath.  Walk to your bed, sit down, and breathe.  Cry if you need to.  It's going to be OK.  It's just clothes.  No matter how much pressure you're feeling to look perfect, perfection is unobtainable.  There are thousands of other women that very moment feeling the way you do.

2.  Give yourself positive talk.  Say it out loud literally.  Talk to yourself.  Tell yourself things like, "You look pretty."  "Your smile is beautiful."  "I am a beautiful person."  Again take a good cry if you need to.  Sometimes telling yourself out loud that you are beautiful makes you want to cry, because you don't believe it.  Keep saying it.  Keeping crying.  Until you can look in the mirror and smile.

3.  Count your blessings.  Think of all of the wonderful things in your life.  Don't think you have any?  Think again.  Try harder.  You have a home.  You can see, breathe, and feel.  There is always something to be thankful for.

4.  Pray.  For those readers that do not believe in God, I ask of you, "What does it hurt?"  Try it.  Sure you'll have that inner voice saying, "This is stupid.  There's no one listening."  Take your time.  Open your mind.  Talk like you're talking to your father.  If you didn't have a father in your life, think of your greatest mentor.  Talk like you're talking to that person.  Let it all out and ask for help.  Don't know how?  Here is an example:

Dear Lord,

I don't know if you're listening right now, but if you are I'm feeling pretty low.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  I look so ugly in everything I put on.  I don't even want to leave my house.  I hate myself.  Please help me.  I feel so lost.  I feel so ugly.  Take this from me.  Please free me from these feelings.  I don't want to feel them anymore.

Thank you.

Now go to your favorite outfit, that will make you feel comfortable, and try again.  This time smile.  Because you're beautiful, real, and full of life.

Here's what not to do:

1.  Drink.  Alcohol only enhances your sensitive emotions before it numbs it away.  It's only a band-aid.  You've got to change the way you think, not run to drink.

2.  Sleep with a man.  I've said before that a good man who encourages you and makes you feel beautiful is a great thing.  But don't forget that as women, we don't heal through the physical.  We heal through our emotions.  If you are feeling ugly, the worst thing to do is sleep with someone just to feel pretty.  You'll feel even uglier in the morning.  Spend time with a man and enjoy his company, but abstain.  Nothing makes a woman feel prettier than a man who respects her.

3.  Binge.  This is a tough one for me.  I'm an emotional eater.  When I'm feeling upset, I like to indulge in a nice tub of ice cream...with chocolate sauce...and whipped cream.  Pay attention to what your mind is telling you.  "Go get that chocolate shake.  It'll make you feel better."  Yes, yes, it will make me feel better, but then after I eat it I'll feel fat all over again.  Definitely not the result you're looking for.

4.  Not eat.  Just as some women eat food to feel better, some women abstain from food to feel better.  If they're stomach isn't growling then they aren't punishing themselves enough.  Hunger is not control.  You aren't going to lose those 15 lbs by starving yourself for the one night.

Smile.  Relax.  And now here is a little video to make you feel confident and beautiful:

http://queenbeetrusty.kinja.com/if-you-didnt-like-katy-perrys-roar-before-you-will-1461879323