Perfection is Depression

Binge eating or unhealthy eating habits can often grow from anxiety or depression.  Or sometimes it's the opposite: you are anxious or depressed and a means of controlling your life is through food.  Outside of a clinically diagnosable depression or anxiety disorder, women feel elements of this all the time.

How many times have you ever gone to your closet for a special night out and tried on 10 different outfits?  And in every single one you felt fat?  If you're in that situation, here is what I suggest:

1.  Take a deep breath.  Walk to your bed, sit down, and breathe.  Cry if you need to.  It's going to be OK.  It's just clothes.  No matter how much pressure you're feeling to look perfect, perfection is unobtainable.  There are thousands of other women that very moment feeling the way you do.

2.  Give yourself positive talk.  Say it out loud literally.  Talk to yourself.  Tell yourself things like, "You look pretty."  "Your smile is beautiful."  "I am a beautiful person."  Again take a good cry if you need to.  Sometimes telling yourself out loud that you are beautiful makes you want to cry, because you don't believe it.  Keep saying it.  Keeping crying.  Until you can look in the mirror and smile.

3.  Count your blessings.  Think of all of the wonderful things in your life.  Don't think you have any?  Think again.  Try harder.  You have a home.  You can see, breathe, and feel.  There is always something to be thankful for.

4.  Pray.  For those readers that do not believe in God, I ask of you, "What does it hurt?"  Try it.  Sure you'll have that inner voice saying, "This is stupid.  There's no one listening."  Take your time.  Open your mind.  Talk like you're talking to your father.  If you didn't have a father in your life, think of your greatest mentor.  Talk like you're talking to that person.  Let it all out and ask for help.  Don't know how?  Here is an example:

Dear Lord,

I don't know if you're listening right now, but if you are I'm feeling pretty low.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  I look so ugly in everything I put on.  I don't even want to leave my house.  I hate myself.  Please help me.  I feel so lost.  I feel so ugly.  Take this from me.  Please free me from these feelings.  I don't want to feel them anymore.

Thank you.

Now go to your favorite outfit, that will make you feel comfortable, and try again.  This time smile.  Because you're beautiful, real, and full of life.

Here's what not to do:

1.  Drink.  Alcohol only enhances your sensitive emotions before it numbs it away.  It's only a band-aid.  You've got to change the way you think, not run to drink.

2.  Sleep with a man.  I've said before that a good man who encourages you and makes you feel beautiful is a great thing.  But don't forget that as women, we don't heal through the physical.  We heal through our emotions.  If you are feeling ugly, the worst thing to do is sleep with someone just to feel pretty.  You'll feel even uglier in the morning.  Spend time with a man and enjoy his company, but abstain.  Nothing makes a woman feel prettier than a man who respects her.

3.  Binge.  This is a tough one for me.  I'm an emotional eater.  When I'm feeling upset, I like to indulge in a nice tub of ice cream...with chocolate sauce...and whipped cream.  Pay attention to what your mind is telling you.  "Go get that chocolate shake.  It'll make you feel better."  Yes, yes, it will make me feel better, but then after I eat it I'll feel fat all over again.  Definitely not the result you're looking for.

4.  Not eat.  Just as some women eat food to feel better, some women abstain from food to feel better.  If they're stomach isn't growling then they aren't punishing themselves enough.  Hunger is not control.  You aren't going to lose those 15 lbs by starving yourself for the one night.

Smile.  Relax.  And now here is a little video to make you feel confident and beautiful:

http://queenbeetrusty.kinja.com/if-you-didnt-like-katy-perrys-roar-before-you-will-1461879323

Burlesque Baby

Over the weekend, I experienced my second ever burlesque show.  The first one I ever saw was very old school, and they stopped at bras, underwear, and hose.  This particular burlesque show that I saw over the weekend was just one of the many performances that night.  There were other acts like poetry, bands, belly dancing, sword fights, etc.

I was asked by my sister once, "How can you support things like corsets?"  To be honest, I love corsets.  I'm a costumer.  I have a huge love for historical clothing.  The difference between history and corsets today is the purpose.  Victorian corsets, for example, were used to give an "S" shape to the woman's body.  An 18" waist was highly sought after.  This is obviously not healthy, and in no way do I condone that sort of corset wearing.  However, there is something about a steel boned corset worn for fashion that I love.

So where are you going with this, you ask?

Here is what we're sold is a beautiful burlesque dancer:

And there's no doubt she's a stunning woman.  I mean, her face has been airbrushed to the point of looking like a plastic doll and probably so has the rest of her.  But this is more along the line of what I saw that night:

I was surprised at what I saw.  They were REAL women.  They weren't in great shape necessarily.  They were curvy everyday women stripping down to pasties and underwear.  One woman must have been a size 16 or so.  And people were riveted.

One of my first thoughts was, "Wow, that takes guts."  Think about it.  How many of you would be willing to get up on a stage and strip down like that?  Not for money, but as an art form.  If you took a look at the men in the audience, they were enjoying every moment.  Was the woman on stage necessarily his "type?"  Maybe not, but it proved something to me that I've heard men say for a long time that I never quite connected.

Those women were beautiful because they were confident.

They had real boobs, real booties, thick thighs, and they worked it.  Uber-feminists may say it's demeaning to do something like burlesque.  And I can see where they're coming from.  After all, you are exploiting your body for entertainment.  The other side of the coin, though, it is a sort of empowerment.

When a woman is confident and sexy it is empowering.  I think every woman should have a taste of that sort of empowerment.  Sexy doesn't mean you have to be in just pasties.  It could mean that little black dress in the back of your closet.  Do I think that women should be nothing but sex objects?  Absolutely not.  But you deserve to feel beautiful.

The other thing that I especially liked about watching real women with real bodies was I didn't feel bad about myself.  I felt like they were one of the girls, and I was impressed by them.  They hadn't felt the need to alter their bodies to feel sexy, confident, or beautiful.

Look at her...don't tell me she isn't beautiful...

If we were constantly surrounded by images of real women, I would bet a million dollars that we wouldn't feel so bad about ourselves.

And what a wonderful world that would be.

Let's Hear It for the Men

This blog is for the men and the women who love them.

When my blog regarding the thigh gap went live a friend of mine shared my link on a Facebook post from a news station who happened to be covering the thigh gap trend.  Along side her comment were other comments that got me thinking.

A lot of the time, us women try to outdo other women, but that doesn't mean we also aren't in it for the boys.  Let's talk about what separates the men from the boys and express a little bit of gratitude.

Probably about 80% of the men that responded to the thigh gap posting said they like thigh gaps.  Now, granted, only a handful of men responded.  Most of the responders were women.  There were a couple of boys in particular who were getting the women burning mad. (The names have been changed to cover up for the guilty...sort of.)

Sam: My girl has a thigh gap, and I love it!

Joe: (referring to loving a thigh gap) Anyone else who disagrees is probably just "fat" and not attractive.

Joe: (referring to a woman who got angry) Lol she ain't got one so she's mad lmao

Sam: @ Joe LMAO 

If I have to tell you that these are the boys, then you have a lot to learn.  Men and boys, you have no idea how much power you have over us emotionally when it comes to our bodies.  If these boys are in relationships these messages written in humor and fun from their end can have a devastating affect on their women.  These two have now laid down perimeters for their women, and they don't even know it. They have now told their women in an indirect way,

"If you lose your thigh gap you are fat and undesirable."

I have experienced both sides of the coin in my short 31 years.  I once dated a guy while I was a size 8. Previously he had always dated girls that were naturally very thin.  Guess I was the curves experiment. And he liked the experiment...a little too much.  When I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia, my diet had to change.  No more fried foods, processed meats or cheeses, caffeine, or sugar.  I naturally dropped a size.  Just one size.  But he wasn't having it.

"Why aren't you eating?"

"You're getting too skinny."

It was out of my control.  That was who I was then, and there was nothing I could do to get those curves back. 

Fast forward several years, and I'm in great shape and a size four.  Photographers loved working with me, and I did several sets of modeling.  Nothing really official except for a Susan G. Komen ad.  But I always hesitated to let any potential guy see my modeling photos.  Why?  If they saw me in that light it was like their brains exploded and they would introduce me to their friends as their girl that models.  Never mind the fact that I graduated college Suma Cum Laude.  I don't think they cared to know.  One guy in particular would have me flex my muscles (yes, I actually had them at the time), and was working to make sure I understood that I was to not gain any weight while dating him.

That didn't last long.  I decided he was the extra weight I needed to lose.  I couldn't hold a candle to his ex-wife who used to dance on tables, left him, and ran off to Vegas to marry some other guy.  She was thin and beautiful, you see.  And that's what really mattered.

The boys will put pressure on your physical appearance.  I would like to point out that the first guy (after I broke up with him) ended up losing a lot of weight and came crying back to me that I loved him even when he was "fat."  Well, he hadn't done the same for me when I lost weight.

Now let's move to the men.

Poor men.

You just can't win.  But what makes you a man is that you never stop trying.

Every man knows they can't win the "Does this make me look fat" question.  So I'm going to give you a little insight to us women.

We need you to say, "You're beautiful.  I love the way you look."

We will probably cry, say "No I don't," slam the door to the bedroom, and give up on going out.  Unfortunately, you have to understand that most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.

But keep saying it.  Please keep telling us.  Hold us and tell us we're beautiful.  And let us sit on the sofa wearing sweats and eating ice cream while we watch a movie with you.  It doesn't go unnoticed.  It sure may feel like it.  It may feel like you can't win and anything you say is wrong, but it is going into our minds.  It is being processed.  And the next time we hear one of our girlfriends saying that their boy is making them feel like less of a person, we'll say, "My man isn't like that.  He thinks I'm beautiful even when I look awful."

Ladies, tell your men you appreciate them.  Let them know that sometimes your emotions and insecurities get the best of you.  After all, this entire blog is devoted to fighting the pressures of beauty that are dumped on us each and every day.  It's a lot to live up to, but a good man will make it a lot easier.

What is Curvespo and Fitspo?

In a previous blog I introduced to my readers a concept called "Thinspo."  It is combination of "thin" and "inspiration."  Tumblr does not condone Thinspo pages, but allow their users the right to self expression.

Thinspo is to serve as inspiration for women to be thin.  Healthy?  Maybe not necessarily.  As long as you're skinny, that is the main goal.  Eating less and exercising more is the mantra, which if you ask most trainers, the more you workout the more you need to consume healthy calories.  

Another type of inspiration is called "Fitspo."  In its truest form Fitspo sounds awesome.  They are images of women in great shape encouraging the reader and creator of the tumblr to be fit and beautiful.

I have concerns with Fitspro, however.  I mean, even communism looks good on paper, right?  If you compare Thinspo and Fitspo blogs/tumblrs you will notice that the images will sometimes cross over.  For those women who struggle with or are recovering from an eating disorder, I'm not sure that Fitspo images are having the affect that one would hope.  Remember the exercise more and eat less?  So this is the exercise more and the skinny pictures are the eat less part of that equation.  Unfortunately photos do not include a personal trainer ensuring that the viewer is eating the proper amount of calories to remain healthy.

The third and final inspiration is "Curvespo."

Curvespo inspires women to embrace their curves.  Most of the pages I viewed showed healthy, curvy women.  Although there is the alternative which showcases extremely obese women who are aiming to weigh over 500lbs.  I would call that more of a fetish lifestyle, and not the purpose of Curvespo.

Those opposing Curvespo would say that it encourages women to be overweight and unhealthy.  And I certainly did see those images.  Just as Fitspo, there's a dark side to everything that is meant to be good.

What I personally don't like about any of the three categories is that you will always have a person who cannot be what the pictures inspire.  Women who are naturally thin may never look like the Curvespo photos encourage.  Whatever the case may be, these photos of inspiration all have one thing in common: perfection.  They are images of other people that create an ideal.

Now I don't know if that's necessarily true that only 2% of women consider themselves beautiful, but I think it's probably a pretty accurate guess at any rate.  We cannot learn to love ourselves until we stop comparing ourselves to other people.  If you are glued to images of other women, you will never look like that...because you are not her.

It's good to appreciate beauty in others and give compliments.  Please do!  Give compliments freely!  But while you're at it, why don't you give a little compliment to yourself in the mirror.  That girl might like being called beautiful just the way she is too.