You know, I post on here a lot about general concepts and words of encouragement. Tonight I'm thinking I'm going to talk about the mush that haunts my brain. Perhaps yours is the same?
So I gained some weight...putting me now at an 8. Not my largest. I was a size 10 when I entered college. But it feels as though nothing's there to stop me from just continuing the gaining. So then my brain kicks in. Oh ladies....our brains work way too hard. Would we all agree to that? I am now followed by these constant thoughts:
You're going to get fat.
You can't fit in your pants. Fatty.
What are you going to eat? You gotta eat healthy. Eat healthy.
But I want something that's good.
DON'T CARE! Healthy, healthy, healthy.
Have you worked out today? No? What's your excuse? Did you have an opportunity to?
You're tired? Other people aren't too tired to work out. Why can't you seem to do it?
What did you decide to eat? You're still deciding? Why??
I'd rather not eat than worry about it.
Now you're being ridiculous. Of course you're going to eat. You love food.
Yea...I'll eat. Then I'll feel guilty.
So eat healthy.
Meh.
Fatty McFat Fat.
Whew. Now...here's my brain after a bad day:
Wow, that was a horrible day. What am I going to eat?
Wish I could just eat out and not worry about it, but that means drive thru.
You don't want to do that. You need to eat better.
I want chocolate. Chocolate makes me feel better.
Does it really? Won't you then be upset and feel guilty?
Yea, probably.
Chocolate.
Chocolate Oreo Blast.
Stop doing that to yourself. You don't want it. You're just being emotional.
Well, YEA! I'm upset. Long day. Don't I get to make myself feel better?
Fries might do the trick.
NO! Not fries! Anything but fries!!
Ok. Chocolate Oreo Blast.
You think you're real funny, don't you? I see what you did there. You're making me think chocolate isn't such a bad idea.
Yep. Did it work?
No.
Dang it.
What if I cry to you about it? What if the only thing that makes me feel better is calories?
You're a sad person.
YES! That's what I'm trying to tell you.
No, I didn't mean in that way.
Great! Now I'm pathetic. You're driving me further into the arms of chocolate.
Feel that handful of fat on your love handles?
Yea, and it makes me more sad. Screw you and your healthy ways! I deserve something that makes me happy.
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!
But instead, I'm sitting here at my blog hashing this all out. I mean, am I the only crazy woman who has these thoughts out there? What frustrates me is that I feel like I have this conversation with myself 3-5 times a day. A DAY. It's utterly exhausting. I hate that feeling of guilt and sadness. When you're in shape, you're healthy and happy. What a journey it is to get there though. Whatever your personal definition of happy and healthy may be.
And I'm spent.
chocolate.
Sorry, just had to get one more out there.
