Stop the Fat Talk, Fatty McFatty Fat

In many of my past blogs, I have talked about the power of positive self-talk.  Although my blog is focused on women accepting their physical, so much of our lives depend on the spiritual and mental.

I once heard that it takes seven positive comments to cancel one negative comment.  So this is what needs to happen for us on a daily basis:

But all too often this is what it is like in our heads:

We get so many negative reinforcements for our bodies' imperfections, that it will take time to learn to develop positive thinking.  I don't know about you, but most of my fat talk happens in front of the mirror.  I'll put on a outfit and the self deprecation starts pouring out.

"I look fat."

"I hate these love handles."  (Then I pull them back to imagine myself without them.)

"I can't believe these pants used to fit.  Way to go, Fatty McFat Fat."  (Yes, I've actually said that to myself.)

"So, Miss Blogger," you ask, "what do you find works for you?"  

I generally live my life surrounded by humor.  As my followers know, I am an actress.  My full time job is comedy.  So that's how I deal with it.  I turn it on myself.  I start making making funny faces and acting stupid until I realize how stupid I am in my self criticism.  In other words, I make a mockery of my fat talk.

Now I realize not everyone wishes they were the next Carol Burnett.  But there is power in knowing that the human mind is wired to process negative more than positive.  When you are self aware you can act towards correcting your behavior.  Write post-it notes to yourself and put them on your mirror.  Write things like, 

"You look great today."

"Smile."

"Did you cut your hair?  It really brings out your curves."  (Ok, so that one's my stupid humor creeping back in, but if it works for me why couldn't it work for you?)

Take a look at some statistics:

It is also proven that we believe people who spout negative comments are smarter.  Why?  We tend to believe that someone who can make critical comments have a higher level of analysis than the average person.  Have you ever noticed that most people hate others who seem to always be happy?  They're annoying, right?  And they come across as shallow.  But put a hyper critical person behind a cup of coffee with a dose of passion and suddenly you have the next Einstein.  Sitting in a group of other women and rattling off criticism of your body doesn't make you smarter, wiser, or more self-aware.  You may think they're all thinking it about you, but chances are they weren't analyzing you if they're your friends.  (Strangers will always put down others to make themselves feel better.) 

But guess what Einstein actually said:

That's right.  Psychologists have linked happiness with people who create progress.  But a setback (even a minor one) jeopardizes everything you have created.

Progress doesn't have to be anything big.  It could have to do with weight loss.  Say, for instance, only eating dessert once a week.  (My chocolate monster brain just screamed at me for that one.)

Or make goals at work, with your family, your home...whatever you would like.  When you are creating a life of progress you are creating happiness.  But understand that setbacks are part of life, and this is where your mind is more powerful than the chaos that surrounds it.  

In high school, my photographer teacher was an understated man.  He fought in Vietnam and struggled with dyslexia when no one understood the disorder.  His advice for me?

Happiness is a choice.

My high school brain didn't understand, but as an adult I absolutely agree.  You have the power within your mind to create happiness.  Fat talk will do nothing for you or your life.  Create progress for yourself, and then overcome your setbacks with the mental positive.  

I believe you can do it.  

You are stronger than you think.

And your hair cut really does bring out your curves.

Body Type Stereotypes

There was recently a mother of three who posted a picture on Facebook that created a huge reaction.

I personally believe her approach to encouraging a healthy lifestyle was offensive.  Many mothers of three (and even single women like myself) can think of MANY reasons why it is difficult to get to a gym.  Sometimes I am too tired to get myself to the grocery store much less work out, because I've had four 15 hour days in a row.  I'm not complaining about my job.  I love it, but it is time consuming.  And to have someone flaunt their abs in your face and use a phrase that belittles those that don't look like her is infuriating.

Are we all imposing body type stereotypes upon one another?

Is this a classic case of misunderstanding on both sides?  Is she assuming that you are lazy because you aren't sporting a six pack and headed to the gym 4-5 times a week?  Are we assuming that she's unsympathetic and cruel because she's beautiful and in shape?

Behind every physical is an emotional story.

Maria Kang was banned from Facebook for a short time, because after the backlash towards her photo she then began a crusade against obesity in our country.  Again... she used inflaming language and rather than encourage she seems to always have a tinge of hate towards those that are overweight or not in great physical shape. 

However, if you take the time to visit her website, you will discover that she struggled with bulimia, and is angry that her mother died at an early age with multiple health problems.  Her latest entry is entitled "Sorry but not sorry."  Well, that's not much of an apology.  In fact, it's not one.  

http://www.mariakang.com/2013/11/26/sorry-but-not-sorry/

I believe this woman is merely on a crusade to heal her own personal wounds.  She is bitter and angry at her mother's early death and blames it on obesity.  She is still battling the physical despite that she is healed from bulimia.  

May I say that I, in no way, condone living an unhealthy lifestyle.  But my blog is for the uplifting.  There are times in every woman's life when we will gain weight or lose weight.  But our self importance should not rely on the physical.  Maria Kang is another example how our emotional status directs impacts our physical.  

Take care of not only your body, but your mind and spirit as well.  Don't make assumptions about a person based on the physical.  This woman is not setting people off because of her message to be healthy or her beauty.  To be angry with a woman for that is pure jealousy.  She is angering people, because she is emotionally hurt.  And she is taking her anger out on those that are overweight.  The same thing happens to women who are overweight, and lash out at the slim women who criticize them.

Health is more than just the body.  Just because you are physically fit doesn't mean you are "healthy."  And just because you have a few extra pounds doesn't mean you are "unhealthy."  If you keep your mind and emotions healthy your body image will follow.

       

Perfection is Depression

Binge eating or unhealthy eating habits can often grow from anxiety or depression.  Or sometimes it's the opposite: you are anxious or depressed and a means of controlling your life is through food.  Outside of a clinically diagnosable depression or anxiety disorder, women feel elements of this all the time.

How many times have you ever gone to your closet for a special night out and tried on 10 different outfits?  And in every single one you felt fat?  If you're in that situation, here is what I suggest:

1.  Take a deep breath.  Walk to your bed, sit down, and breathe.  Cry if you need to.  It's going to be OK.  It's just clothes.  No matter how much pressure you're feeling to look perfect, perfection is unobtainable.  There are thousands of other women that very moment feeling the way you do.

2.  Give yourself positive talk.  Say it out loud literally.  Talk to yourself.  Tell yourself things like, "You look pretty."  "Your smile is beautiful."  "I am a beautiful person."  Again take a good cry if you need to.  Sometimes telling yourself out loud that you are beautiful makes you want to cry, because you don't believe it.  Keep saying it.  Keeping crying.  Until you can look in the mirror and smile.

3.  Count your blessings.  Think of all of the wonderful things in your life.  Don't think you have any?  Think again.  Try harder.  You have a home.  You can see, breathe, and feel.  There is always something to be thankful for.

4.  Pray.  For those readers that do not believe in God, I ask of you, "What does it hurt?"  Try it.  Sure you'll have that inner voice saying, "This is stupid.  There's no one listening."  Take your time.  Open your mind.  Talk like you're talking to your father.  If you didn't have a father in your life, think of your greatest mentor.  Talk like you're talking to that person.  Let it all out and ask for help.  Don't know how?  Here is an example:

Dear Lord,

I don't know if you're listening right now, but if you are I'm feeling pretty low.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  I look so ugly in everything I put on.  I don't even want to leave my house.  I hate myself.  Please help me.  I feel so lost.  I feel so ugly.  Take this from me.  Please free me from these feelings.  I don't want to feel them anymore.

Thank you.

Now go to your favorite outfit, that will make you feel comfortable, and try again.  This time smile.  Because you're beautiful, real, and full of life.

Here's what not to do:

1.  Drink.  Alcohol only enhances your sensitive emotions before it numbs it away.  It's only a band-aid.  You've got to change the way you think, not run to drink.

2.  Sleep with a man.  I've said before that a good man who encourages you and makes you feel beautiful is a great thing.  But don't forget that as women, we don't heal through the physical.  We heal through our emotions.  If you are feeling ugly, the worst thing to do is sleep with someone just to feel pretty.  You'll feel even uglier in the morning.  Spend time with a man and enjoy his company, but abstain.  Nothing makes a woman feel prettier than a man who respects her.

3.  Binge.  This is a tough one for me.  I'm an emotional eater.  When I'm feeling upset, I like to indulge in a nice tub of ice cream...with chocolate sauce...and whipped cream.  Pay attention to what your mind is telling you.  "Go get that chocolate shake.  It'll make you feel better."  Yes, yes, it will make me feel better, but then after I eat it I'll feel fat all over again.  Definitely not the result you're looking for.

4.  Not eat.  Just as some women eat food to feel better, some women abstain from food to feel better.  If they're stomach isn't growling then they aren't punishing themselves enough.  Hunger is not control.  You aren't going to lose those 15 lbs by starving yourself for the one night.

Smile.  Relax.  And now here is a little video to make you feel confident and beautiful:

http://queenbeetrusty.kinja.com/if-you-didnt-like-katy-perrys-roar-before-you-will-1461879323

Burlesque Baby

Over the weekend, I experienced my second ever burlesque show.  The first one I ever saw was very old school, and they stopped at bras, underwear, and hose.  This particular burlesque show that I saw over the weekend was just one of the many performances that night.  There were other acts like poetry, bands, belly dancing, sword fights, etc.

I was asked by my sister once, "How can you support things like corsets?"  To be honest, I love corsets.  I'm a costumer.  I have a huge love for historical clothing.  The difference between history and corsets today is the purpose.  Victorian corsets, for example, were used to give an "S" shape to the woman's body.  An 18" waist was highly sought after.  This is obviously not healthy, and in no way do I condone that sort of corset wearing.  However, there is something about a steel boned corset worn for fashion that I love.

So where are you going with this, you ask?

Here is what we're sold is a beautiful burlesque dancer:

And there's no doubt she's a stunning woman.  I mean, her face has been airbrushed to the point of looking like a plastic doll and probably so has the rest of her.  But this is more along the line of what I saw that night:

I was surprised at what I saw.  They were REAL women.  They weren't in great shape necessarily.  They were curvy everyday women stripping down to pasties and underwear.  One woman must have been a size 16 or so.  And people were riveted.

One of my first thoughts was, "Wow, that takes guts."  Think about it.  How many of you would be willing to get up on a stage and strip down like that?  Not for money, but as an art form.  If you took a look at the men in the audience, they were enjoying every moment.  Was the woman on stage necessarily his "type?"  Maybe not, but it proved something to me that I've heard men say for a long time that I never quite connected.

Those women were beautiful because they were confident.

They had real boobs, real booties, thick thighs, and they worked it.  Uber-feminists may say it's demeaning to do something like burlesque.  And I can see where they're coming from.  After all, you are exploiting your body for entertainment.  The other side of the coin, though, it is a sort of empowerment.

When a woman is confident and sexy it is empowering.  I think every woman should have a taste of that sort of empowerment.  Sexy doesn't mean you have to be in just pasties.  It could mean that little black dress in the back of your closet.  Do I think that women should be nothing but sex objects?  Absolutely not.  But you deserve to feel beautiful.

The other thing that I especially liked about watching real women with real bodies was I didn't feel bad about myself.  I felt like they were one of the girls, and I was impressed by them.  They hadn't felt the need to alter their bodies to feel sexy, confident, or beautiful.

Look at her...don't tell me she isn't beautiful...

If we were constantly surrounded by images of real women, I would bet a million dollars that we wouldn't feel so bad about ourselves.

And what a wonderful world that would be.

Let's Hear It for the Men

This blog is for the men and the women who love them.

When my blog regarding the thigh gap went live a friend of mine shared my link on a Facebook post from a news station who happened to be covering the thigh gap trend.  Along side her comment were other comments that got me thinking.

A lot of the time, us women try to outdo other women, but that doesn't mean we also aren't in it for the boys.  Let's talk about what separates the men from the boys and express a little bit of gratitude.

Probably about 80% of the men that responded to the thigh gap posting said they like thigh gaps.  Now, granted, only a handful of men responded.  Most of the responders were women.  There were a couple of boys in particular who were getting the women burning mad. (The names have been changed to cover up for the guilty...sort of.)

Sam: My girl has a thigh gap, and I love it!

Joe: (referring to loving a thigh gap) Anyone else who disagrees is probably just "fat" and not attractive.

Joe: (referring to a woman who got angry) Lol she ain't got one so she's mad lmao

Sam: @ Joe LMAO 

If I have to tell you that these are the boys, then you have a lot to learn.  Men and boys, you have no idea how much power you have over us emotionally when it comes to our bodies.  If these boys are in relationships these messages written in humor and fun from their end can have a devastating affect on their women.  These two have now laid down perimeters for their women, and they don't even know it. They have now told their women in an indirect way,

"If you lose your thigh gap you are fat and undesirable."

I have experienced both sides of the coin in my short 31 years.  I once dated a guy while I was a size 8. Previously he had always dated girls that were naturally very thin.  Guess I was the curves experiment. And he liked the experiment...a little too much.  When I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia, my diet had to change.  No more fried foods, processed meats or cheeses, caffeine, or sugar.  I naturally dropped a size.  Just one size.  But he wasn't having it.

"Why aren't you eating?"

"You're getting too skinny."

It was out of my control.  That was who I was then, and there was nothing I could do to get those curves back. 

Fast forward several years, and I'm in great shape and a size four.  Photographers loved working with me, and I did several sets of modeling.  Nothing really official except for a Susan G. Komen ad.  But I always hesitated to let any potential guy see my modeling photos.  Why?  If they saw me in that light it was like their brains exploded and they would introduce me to their friends as their girl that models.  Never mind the fact that I graduated college Suma Cum Laude.  I don't think they cared to know.  One guy in particular would have me flex my muscles (yes, I actually had them at the time), and was working to make sure I understood that I was to not gain any weight while dating him.

That didn't last long.  I decided he was the extra weight I needed to lose.  I couldn't hold a candle to his ex-wife who used to dance on tables, left him, and ran off to Vegas to marry some other guy.  She was thin and beautiful, you see.  And that's what really mattered.

The boys will put pressure on your physical appearance.  I would like to point out that the first guy (after I broke up with him) ended up losing a lot of weight and came crying back to me that I loved him even when he was "fat."  Well, he hadn't done the same for me when I lost weight.

Now let's move to the men.

Poor men.

You just can't win.  But what makes you a man is that you never stop trying.

Every man knows they can't win the "Does this make me look fat" question.  So I'm going to give you a little insight to us women.

We need you to say, "You're beautiful.  I love the way you look."

We will probably cry, say "No I don't," slam the door to the bedroom, and give up on going out.  Unfortunately, you have to understand that most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.

But keep saying it.  Please keep telling us.  Hold us and tell us we're beautiful.  And let us sit on the sofa wearing sweats and eating ice cream while we watch a movie with you.  It doesn't go unnoticed.  It sure may feel like it.  It may feel like you can't win and anything you say is wrong, but it is going into our minds.  It is being processed.  And the next time we hear one of our girlfriends saying that their boy is making them feel like less of a person, we'll say, "My man isn't like that.  He thinks I'm beautiful even when I look awful."

Ladies, tell your men you appreciate them.  Let them know that sometimes your emotions and insecurities get the best of you.  After all, this entire blog is devoted to fighting the pressures of beauty that are dumped on us each and every day.  It's a lot to live up to, but a good man will make it a lot easier.

What is Curvespo and Fitspo?

In a previous blog I introduced to my readers a concept called "Thinspo."  It is combination of "thin" and "inspiration."  Tumblr does not condone Thinspo pages, but allow their users the right to self expression.

Thinspo is to serve as inspiration for women to be thin.  Healthy?  Maybe not necessarily.  As long as you're skinny, that is the main goal.  Eating less and exercising more is the mantra, which if you ask most trainers, the more you workout the more you need to consume healthy calories.  

Another type of inspiration is called "Fitspo."  In its truest form Fitspo sounds awesome.  They are images of women in great shape encouraging the reader and creator of the tumblr to be fit and beautiful.

I have concerns with Fitspro, however.  I mean, even communism looks good on paper, right?  If you compare Thinspo and Fitspo blogs/tumblrs you will notice that the images will sometimes cross over.  For those women who struggle with or are recovering from an eating disorder, I'm not sure that Fitspo images are having the affect that one would hope.  Remember the exercise more and eat less?  So this is the exercise more and the skinny pictures are the eat less part of that equation.  Unfortunately photos do not include a personal trainer ensuring that the viewer is eating the proper amount of calories to remain healthy.

The third and final inspiration is "Curvespo."

Curvespo inspires women to embrace their curves.  Most of the pages I viewed showed healthy, curvy women.  Although there is the alternative which showcases extremely obese women who are aiming to weigh over 500lbs.  I would call that more of a fetish lifestyle, and not the purpose of Curvespo.

Those opposing Curvespo would say that it encourages women to be overweight and unhealthy.  And I certainly did see those images.  Just as Fitspo, there's a dark side to everything that is meant to be good.

What I personally don't like about any of the three categories is that you will always have a person who cannot be what the pictures inspire.  Women who are naturally thin may never look like the Curvespo photos encourage.  Whatever the case may be, these photos of inspiration all have one thing in common: perfection.  They are images of other people that create an ideal.

Now I don't know if that's necessarily true that only 2% of women consider themselves beautiful, but I think it's probably a pretty accurate guess at any rate.  We cannot learn to love ourselves until we stop comparing ourselves to other people.  If you are glued to images of other women, you will never look like that...because you are not her.

It's good to appreciate beauty in others and give compliments.  Please do!  Give compliments freely!  But while you're at it, why don't you give a little compliment to yourself in the mirror.  That girl might like being called beautiful just the way she is too.

Mind the Thigh Gap

I very recently read a statistic that by the age of 17, a staggering 80% of girls do not like their bodies.  Most women can relate.  In fact, I'm not entirely sure that we ever "outgrow" that completely.  It's a sad culture that the majority of one sex is that uncomfortable with their physical selves.  Remarkably, most of it has very little to do with being attractive for men.  It's about being attractive for other women.

We are our worst critics.  In past blogs, I've tried to encourage my female readers to stop and think before you criticize another woman.  In high school, we all know how much worse it is vying for popularity and acceptance.

The newest phenomenon, which I have briefly touched upon in other blogs is the new trend of a thigh gap.

As the above photo indicates, a true thigh gap is when a woman is standing straight up with her feet together but her thighs don't touch.  This is considered very beautiful and desirable for our upcoming generation of girls and perhaps is affecting women in their 20s and 30s as well.

Physically speaking the only healthy way that a woman could achieve a thigh gap is if she naturally has wide hip bones.  I am one of those girls with the "child bearing hips" (thanks, mom).  But most women are not built that way.  Instead their hips are more narrow and thus if they ever achieved a thigh gap they would be underweight.

But take a look at the photos below:

These are merchandising photos from one of my all time favorite online stores, Modcloth.  I love that shop, because they carry a lot of unique clothes that are vintage and geek inspired (that's right up my alley in case you didn't know...).  They also carry some fantastic plus size styles.  But these pictures made my jaw drop.  How horribly photoshopped can one woman's body be?  The underwear photo is ridiculous.  They clearly just chopped the girl's body apart on the computer.  And the bra?  Whose boobs look like that?  Even fake ones?  No one's.  But do teenage girls know this?  Do you know this? After all, you were just shopping online and now this has subconsciously been sucked into your brain as beautiful and acceptable.  And if you order these particular undergarments, this is how you "should" look.

This is what happens when a girl tries to achieve a thigh gap:

Have you ever noticed that we're conditioned to think that we're supposed to weigh less than 120lbs?  All of us?  The lightest I have ever weighed was 135lbs. and I'm 5'4.5"  If I had lost more than 5lbs I would have been considered underweight, although I doubt I ever would have.  I was was pretty muscular.  And eating.  Definitely eating.  

But why?  Why are we "supposed" to be less than 120lbs?  And why are we ashamed when we're not?  Take a quick peek at this tumblr page that is dedicated to thigh gaps:    http://please-thigh-gaps.tumblr.com/

If you think thigh gaps in photos are hot, I would like to give you a good shake and tell you, "It's not real!!"  

Thigh gaps in photos are all about angles, body position, and lighting.  They are not a woman standing straight with her feet together.  When a person becomes underweight it can lead to a whole slew of health problems including brain function and heart health.  Imagine having a heart attack, because you wanted your thighs to not touch.

On a personal note, I've never been fond of my own thighs.  I'm a typical woman.  We all think our thighs are too big.  I'm not sure where we got that idea, but we seem to like it and hold onto it.  And guess what?  Nearly every guy I've dated has insisted they love the shape of my thighs.  Now I can either screw up my face and act like they've taken a crazy pill, or I can realize that they are telling the truth.  Even though I don't feel like they're very pretty when I sit down wearing shorts and see my thighs expand into huge gobs of flesh across my chair.  (Admit it...you other ladies know what I'm talking about).

So I would like to now take this time to readjust our thinking and take a look at some beautiful women rocking some beautiful thighs.

 Elizabeth Taylor

Marilyn Monroe