Reverse Photoshop Phenom

A new "phenomenon" is now hitting the newsstands and it's being called reverse photoshop.

Thanks to several women in the entertainment industry standing up for their curves, curvy women are slowly becoming more acceptable to be photographed.  Think Christina Hendricks and Sofia Vergara.  They are women who are kicking back and saying, "I like the way I look."  Christina Aguilera is even embracing her new mommy curves, which is naturally getting a wide range of reactions from constant critics.

I follow some friends that are models on their internet sites, and there are a few niche fashion areas that I enjoy following as well.  I'm a costumer, so it's no surprise that I like any new creative fashion.  More often than not, when an online album of real women are posted wearing sexy clothing there are always hateful comments strewn amongst the good ones.  People saying she shouldn't wear such things, larger women shouldn't wear sexy clothes.  Or saying that a girl is too flat chested to be wearing such and such.  Men and women have these reactions.  Seems a little close-minded to me.

Our thin girlfriends are about to undergo the added scrutiny that the rest of us have been under for quite some time.  "Reverse Photoshop" adds curves.

Read it agan.

Reverse Photoshop adds curves to models.

There's a part of me that jumps up and down and says, "Finally!  The day I've been waiting for!  Curves are acceptable!!"  But let's not get carried away.

This method of digitally adding curves is no bueno.  The entertainment/fashion industry is trying to be "cutting edge" with these curvier women, while the rest of us have been bored with having the identical model look for years.  The problem with it all is that they are not hiring curvy women.  They are simply adding curves to thin models.

So what, Miss Blogger?  Isn't that good enough?

I say, NO.

Why?  Because again it's an ideal.  Instead of using actual women, they are creating curves on females' bodies who are not built that way.  It's doing the opposite of self-esteem boosting.  Now it's taking on thin bodies and pushing them to be curvier.

Why can't they let women be???

On the magazine covers above, both of those women had curves added to them.  As long as they don't stop with major digital body alterations, women will never have a fair chance at understanding they they are normal.  There is no normal in magazines or photos.  And all of those normal women who are brave enough to model for smaller companies are hit with a constant barrage of criticism.  "Too skinny."  "Too fat."  "Too this...too that..."  It's our own fault.  It's our cultural way of thinking.  Tear women down if they take a sexy photograph and they do not look like Heidi Klum.

Well guess what?  I bet the person making the nasty comment doesn't look like Heidi Klum either.

So be aware.  Even if you start seeing these curvier women on magazine covers, they are just as not real as the thin ones.  I have to at least give them a "C" for effort, though.

Models: The Subconscious Ideal

As we flip through magazines, do you ever sit and wonder what kind of an effect it has on you?  There are fitness magazines and there are beauty/fashion magazines.  They certainly use different models, but both don't hesitate to photoshop.  For fitness magazines, they have been known to photoshop a more muscular look to an editorial model while beauty/fashion magazines photoshop wrinkles and general body appearance.

(I have no idea why they felt the need to Photoshop Jessica Alba.  I mean really....they don't even think SHE'S good enough as is!)

We all know that the magazines use Photoshop, that's no secret.  I think most women would agree that they wish they could photoshop themselves in real life every morning (in jest, of course).  A study that I recently read came to as perplexing answers as us women can be.

http://www.ssc.wisc.edu/~jpiliavi/357/body-image.htm

It's a long article, but in summary, they were researching whether fashion and/or fitness magazines have a negative impact on women's self esteem.  The results were so scattered that they couldn't come to any definitive answer.

That's no surprise to me.  The main contradiction that the study found was that while women will generally dismiss magazine models as "too thin" or "unhealthy," they will turn right around and say they consider a model to have the ideal body type.  Nearly every woman stated she would like to be thinner...and most of them were average size (5'4" & 140lbs.).  That is nearly exactly my size at a size 8, for reference.

So although we say that we don't like models and their size, we desire to be like them.  Why is that?

It is popular to be outspoken and individualistic.  By rebuking the typical model size as "gross,"a woman can socially maintain her "fierce, liberated, independent" woman ideal.  But when it comes down to it, we are uncontrollably influenced by the media proposed "ideal."  

Have you ever wondered how a woman could end up in a terribly abusive relationship?  How could she have gotten to this point?  Why doesn't she just leave?  It's not that simple by the time she's in full-fledge abuse.  Abuse doesn't happen in one session.  Abuse occurs over years of whittling down on the self-esteem and the individual's concept of reality.  

I consider women's relationship to the media a form of abuse.

We are abused on a nearly daily basis, and we don't even know it.  It's so socially acceptable.  We are told on a daily basis to ALWAYS be thinner.  Healthy doesn't even enter into the equation.  Health, in fact, is often sacrificed for the purpose of looking thinner.

STOP THE ABUSE.

Recognize it as abuse.  This particular study found that most of the women participating in the survey didn't have any direct correlation between their self-esteem and the desire to be thinner.  And yet, MOST of the women felt they NEEDED to be thinner.  The scientists can only say that the hypothesis was incorrect.  

I say, we're confused.  

Our confidence comes more easily in other areas about ourselves: our minds, our personalities, our general treatment of others.  But our one Achille's heel is our weight.  Our appearance.  I believe that since most generally speaking, women base their overall self esteem on more than physical, we believe we have a medium self-esteem.  Good for us!  But if we ALWAYS feel like we could be thinner, what does that say?

That we're not good enough.

And who gave us that impression?

Know what the good news is?  The study also found that women who DID have higher self-esteems were much more able to dismiss the pictures of models in magazines.  And women who participated in healthy eating and some form of exercise had a self-esteem that trumped the thoughts imposed by the magazines.  And what brings about good self-esteem? 

POSITIVE SELF TALK.

I can't repeat it enough.  Keep it up ladies.  Speak to yourself in positive ways every day.  Speak of others in positive ways.  Soon you'll be able to stand up to the abuse of the ideal media just like the sleazy guy at the bar desperately trying for your number for the night.  We're better than that.  And you better believe it.  

Beat Them at Their Own Game

I was a theater major back in college, so we were required to learn all aspects of the art.  This included tech work like building sets, which I failed miserably at doing.  I usually was stuck back as the kitchen manager during the dinner theaters.

But there were a couple of semesters where I was assigned the costume practicum.  I had never sewn on a button before.  Within my first week, I was handed a cut out pirate shirt and told to sew it together.  I repeat, I had never even sat in front of a sewing machine before that day.

I was thrown in head first to sewing, and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

When I go shopping, the clothes don't control me.  Most women are at the mercy of manufacturers, and we believe that if the clothes don't fit then there must be something "wrong" with our bodies.

STOP.

If I had advice to give to any woman, it would be: Learn to Sew.

"Wow, Miss Blogger, sewing is for old, boring, or nerdy women."

Ever met a fashion designer?  A costume designer?  Don't you love what they do?  Aren't they the ones that create the clothes you are dying to fit into?  What can't you do the same for yourself?

On a side note, I've met Christian Siriano, and he's just as precious as you expect him to be.

"Don't move us back a century with your sewing talk.  Are you going to want me to learn to cook good meals again too?"

Sure, while you're at it, why not?  Then you can feed yourself healthy meals that fill you up.

See, since the 70s us younger generations have been taught that domestic duties are filthy, ugly words.  If you're an independent woman, you shouldn't be sewing and cooking.  I'll tell you why you should.

You'll never know true independence until you control your own clothes.  Now I'm not saying you need to learn how to create an entire outfit.  I don't expect the world to be filled with couturiers.  But you should learn basic sewing skills and understand pattern construction.

Did you know that the sizing for patterns stopped in the 60s?  They have not altered those sizes for vanity sizing.

"Which means what?"

When you pick up a pattern and find out what your size is going to be, your eyes will roll into the back of your skull and you'll faint from shock.  You'll automatically rebuke this entire blog, and decide you'd much rather be a size 6 than a 14.  Yes, the difference is that shocking.

But here's the freedom you will possess.

When I try on clothes, I look at how it's fitting my body, not at whether I can fit into what someone else wants me to fit into.  I take a look to see if I can alter it to fit better.  I have a working knowledge of why a garment doesn't fit me properly, and because of that I am not a prisoner to the manufacturer's sizes.

Don't forget, it's only fabric.  Don't let fabric control your consciousness and tell you what's beautiful or not.  Take back control.

Once you understand how a garment is made, you won't fear it anymore.

Beginning sewing classes are offered at most places that sell fabric such as Jo-Anns Fabrics.  Wal-Mart sells sewing machines for really cheap, and since I'm not looking for you to become the next Valentino, a cheap little machine will work just fine.  You want one that will offer several stitches (straight, zig-zag, etc.) for the little projects you'll work on.  A pillow from Home Ec. (Do they even have Home Ec. anymore??) isn't what I'm talking about.

I want you to make a skirt.

Those are simple and great for beginners.  Make it an A-line (pictured above).  You won't have to worry about it fitting around your hips like a pencil skirt.  Then move on from there.  You don't even have to wear anything you make in public.  Just as long as you know what goes into a pattern and the construction of clothing, your eyes will open up.  You will obtain the best knowledge in the world:

"Hey!  This garment is made poorly.  Look how badly it fits me."

When you can say that, you have graduated from letting the fabric control you to you controlling the fabric.  There should be a prize for that somewhere in Woman World.

Who Taught You "You Are Ugly?"

Our dislike for our physical is merely a branching out from something else within us.  Something that tells us, we're not good enough.  That who we are is lacking.

Who taught you that you're ugly?

Really think about it.

Was it your mother?  Did/Does she always criticize?  I had a friend once whose mother ripped her to pieces at every opportunity.  These are statements she would digest from her mother on a daily basis: "You're too fat."  "I was never fat at your age."  "You've really got to do something with yourself.  No man is ever going to love you if you're fat like this."  And the list goes on and on.  I eventually came to a point where I had to be honest with that friend and tell her that I did not ever want to be in the company of her mother again.  And as much as I value family, she should have felt the same.  She was a grown woman, after all.  And yet, she was never good enough.  She was convinced that she had to lose weight or her mother and all men wouldn't love her or accept her.  She had fed into her mother's lies.  She finally used some dieting fad and was working out and losing weight rapidly.  Our friendship went to hell in a handbasket.  Her personality changed so rapidly, I didn't even know who she was anymore.  But she was skinny, dammit.  And she did look great!  But it consumed her entire mind.  It was all she thought and talked about.  And guess what happened in the long run?  Her mother found other things to pick on.

What about your father?  Did you have one present in your life?  Have you had any male role model who found you beautiful?  Or was it the opposite?  Was there abuse?

What about a boyfriend?  When you were young, did a boy you love cheat on you?  Break up with you?  What did the other girl look like?  You might have walked around calling her ugly and proclaiming that you are way prettier.  Did you really feel that way?  Or did thinking about his decision make you hate yourself?

When we focus on our bodies in unhealthy ways, it's a sign of feeling out of control.  You'll never be able to control how people do or don't love you.  Every person in your life may have betrayed you...or maybe just the really important ones.  So our lives go spinning out of control.  What's the one thing you have in your total possession?  Your body.

Have you ever felt so sad and empty that hunger feels good?  Have you ever enjoyed the feeling of punishing your body?

Perhaps it doesn't seem to go that deep for you.  But somewhere you're looking for approval.  You want to walk in a room and control everyone's thoughts with how beautiful you look.  But there will always be that crash at the end of the road.  Why?  Because physical is fleeting.  We're told that people will love us according to the way we look.  So that's where we start.  With our looks.  "If I look like this, so-and-so will love me...."  The best you'll get out of that equation is lust.  And Lust has quickly searching eyes never settling on one thing for very long.  It's desire always continues to grow and wants something different.  The rejection will continue as long as you look for love anywhere but within you.

You were created to love.  It's a natural instinct.  But you will continue a life-long struggle until you realize that you cannot love others until you love yourself.  Sound cliche?  It is.  But it's true.  How can you expect to offer someone unconditional love when your own love for them hinges on how beautiful they perceive you?  As long as you are completely reliant on their approval, you will only be able to offer conditional love.  And you get what you give.

The Truth Will Set You Free

If you read my last blog, I walked you through the actual writings of girls and women who use Thinspiration and struggle to reach some sort of perfection that their bodies were probably not meant to achieve.

I can sit here all night long and say, "stop comparing yourself to people."  That doesn't work.  Everyone has heard these cliches.  "You look fine."  "You're beautiful the way you are."  If we believed it, we wouldn't question it.

All of those sentiments should be true for yourself, but that's easier said than done.

One posting that I did not include in the last blog was written by a woman who took a picture of a woman and essentially said I want to be like her because she's REAL.

Is she?

What if, like packages of cigarettes, models had to have warning labels?

WARNING: ANOREXIC. MAY CAUSE INFERTILITY, SHUT DOWN OF MAJOR BODY SYSTEMS, BRAIN DAMAGE, HEART ATTACK, OR DEATH.

WARNING: BREAST IMPLANTS. PHOTOSHOPPED THIGHS AND HIPS. HIGHLIGHTS ADDED TO BREASTS AND CHEST AREA. BEST PHOTO OUT OF 120 TAKEN WITH TOP 1% OF MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.  THIS PHOTO IS UNSAFE FOR GENERAL COMPARISON.

If we knew everything these photos went through and the women went through to get there, we might think differently about how we perceive them.

I saw a short interview with a Victoria's Secret model.  The journalist asked her, "What is your favorite part of your body?"

She hesitated.  Shrugged her shoulders then finally came up with an answer.  "My butt.  It's the only place I have curves."

Ain't that funny?  You could be spending all this time staring at Victoria Secret models and pining for their bodies and all that time, they could be doing the same with yours.  The truth of the matter is, whether you're a model or "normal" we have a natural inclination to want what we don't have.  It works within us in every aspect of our lives.  It brings out greed in some, envy in others.  

Here's an exercise to try.  And I don't mean of the physical kind.  Next time you find yourself staring in the mirror dissecting every last piece of yourself, step away from the mirror.  Train yourself to think: "It's ok.  Don't worry about it."  Or even just an apathetic, "Meh."  Learn to brush it off, then go do something in which you excel.  Something that calms you.  Even if it is exercise, but I warn that if you choose exercise it's more dangerous.  It is directly correlating with your insecurity.  Your appearance will not change after three hours at the gym.  Oh, and if you have a scale, GET RID OF IT.  You don't need it.  It's one more thing to obsess over.  

As a book nerd, my recommendation is to find a good book. Find yourself a heroine, someone to look up to, that is not just about physicality.  Get lost in the story.  Move your focus to helping others.  Perhaps go volunteer to help with the poor or sick.  Your perspective will quickly shift when you realize how much you have when others don't.  And you will get the same adrenaline rush as a workout, because you've done something good.

This re-learning of thinking is a long process.  Even if you can't shrug off the thoughts, your first challenge is to just walk away.

You Are What You THINK

"If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible."

-Invisible Monsters; Chuck Palahnuik

This is going to be an unusual blog in the fact that I will not be author behind most of it.  I want to walk you through the minds of women struggling with their weight, but they are not overweight.  These are women who love the sight of cheekbones, hip bones, and thigh gaps.

It will be a longer blog, but what a walk it will be.  EVERY woman has a little bit of this obsession in her.  The photos are these particular women's inspiration.  In the next blog I will talk more about everything below in particular, but for now I want you to just read and view.  Absorb.  Take it in.  Is it foreign to you?  Somewhat similar?  Heartbreakingly too close to home?

(Bold words are my own emphasis.)

ABC Diet Day 4: 400

Breakfast: 1 small strawberry (2)

Lunch: salad with a tofurkey slice (23), strawberries and cherries (24), popcorn (200) (ugh)

Snack: Peanut butter (40) (why??)

Dinner: 2 slices of tofurkey bacon (40), strawberries (30)

Total intake: 359

Binged on popcorn and strawberries. I ate generally a lot today. :(  

I almost screwed up

I had an unintentional fast all day and it was going great until my mom comes home at 10pm with a 10pc nugget meal from McDonald’s. Seriously. 10 piece. Fucking gross. I wasn’t even hungry until then. I thought I was going to cave and eat and just fuck up my SDG calorie limit (300) until I remembered that “Chew and Spit” thing. Doing that saved my life! It really does work, for me anyway. I hate McDonald’s in general because of how terrible it is for you. The only reason I eat it is because it’s tastes okay and it’s cheap. But yeah, I just avoided putting 800 disgusting calories into my body. I mean, 800 calories from terrible food, not even relatively healthy food. Unacceptable! 

OH MY GAD the perfect representation of what I want my lower body to look like. All boxy and lanky and boyish and gah I can’t, omg I can’t

I ate... a lot.... let me die, please..

Fuck

Didn’t eat all day because I was an idiot yesterday and ate. So i’m “fasting” for a few days until I deserve to eat again. I’m fuckin hungry though. Gosh I’m so fat. What? All I can think about is food? My mom’s husband made burgers and they smelled good. I just didn’t eat though. I’m going to hold out tonight, going to be hard cause its just me here. Day 1 down. 3 to go.

I WANT A FUCKING THIGH GAP!

I still haven't lost any more

But I think it has something to do with water weight from my period that has lasted fucking 2 weeks now.

You can fuck off any time. :)

ANYway… All I’ve eaten today is a cucumber and some almonds.

Maybe 100 calories?

And I’ve been sweating my ASS off all day long from working.

I must have burned some of it off by now.

I hope.

But I get to buy my bike tomorrow.

At least I’ll have some more exercise in my life!

I tried taking mango extract after hearing about it on the Dr. Oz show. Basically the mango fruit extract moderates your appetite so you don’t overeat AND it improves the body’s ability to access fat that’s stored up - so you eat less and burn more fat.

That means I can still eat what I want too, I just get full quickly. I don’t have to make awkward excuses at family meals about why I’m not eating and there’s so much less temptation, and less temptation means less guilt. It’s totally helped me have a better relationship with food.

I started eating less, and was losing about 3 pounds a week. I knew my mom had used colon cleansing products in the past to lose weight fast so I tried that too.

In the past month I’ve been taking the Mango Extract in the morning to control my appetite, AND the Colon Cleanse at night to shed any pounds I put on during the day.  And OMG it works amazing! Using this combination I’ve lost 18 pounds in less than 4 weeks.

It sucks though cuz buying both can be expensive, but rather than buying them at the store, I’ve been buying them over the internet and have used online coupons to get them for free! Its friggin’ perfect, you still have to pay for shipping but it costs like $8 to have the body you want.

If I was as thin as I wanted to be, I’d wake up and look in the mirror. There would be no rolls of fat to pinch, no ripples or bulges that slap together like chunks of whale blubber. I would turn around and look at my ass, which would be pert and perfect and a beautiful peach shape, not lumpy. I would lift up my arms which would be slim, toned and delicate like a ballerina’s. I would have a gorgeous man in my bed who would wake up and tell me how beautiful and sexy my body is. I would slip into my jeans easily, no muffin top or tightness digging into my waist. My legs would look like elegant bent pencils rather than chunky sausages. I would no longer fear the scales as I would be my perfect weight and look the best I can be xoxo

things

i seem to be sinking in a pit of dismal seclusion. i can’t even pass my own reflection anymore. to look into the eyes of this stranger, this being i’m inhabiting seems almost impossible. food isn’t an obstacle anymore, i don’t even want to eat. sometimes it almost feels like i’m making myself just so i won’t have to encounter any late night trembles. i sat next to my cat outside, smoking a cigarette and realized that this life i’m living isn’t even a life. my insignificance swallows me whole, and i forget to breathe. this selfish ice cube that i am, not even the heat can break me free. i feel like a waste of space, what have i done - what’s the point of striving for anything? i’ll eternally be floating around in this black hole, unfortunately aware of my nothingness. i don’t need self pity, in fact i despise any type of affection that lingers my way.. it just ends up fading in the end.. 

i’ll just drip into the atmosphere now.

Pro-Ana and Thinspiration vs. Lane Bryant

Some time back, there was Lane Bryant commercial that was banned from ABC to air during primetime.  For those that don't know, Lane Bryant is a Plus Size clothing store for women.  With very great designs, if you ask me.  The commercial was banned because it was considered far too sexy.  Here is a link to the 30 second spot:

  http://youtu.be/uiGt6bjk0NM

Then not too long after that, at 7pm countrywide, America indulged in the Victoria Secret Runway Show.

I dare anyone to say that what the Victoria Secret model is wearing is anymore conservative than the Lane Bryant model.  Here is a perfect example of how our media tells us curvy is dangerous and bad while tall, muscular, and thin is good and acceptable.  

Earlier this year, I saw an interview with Kylie Bisutti who used to be a Victoria Secret model, but then quit.  Here is a link to her interview (it's about 2:30 long):

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/02/victorias-secret-model-quits-to-reserve-body-for-my-husband/

She talks about her Christian beliefs and how it drove her to stop modeling.  What struck me the most, however, is what she says around 1:05 of the interview.  Her 8 year old cousin was watching her in the mirror as she put on her make-up.  Her little cousin told her that she was going to stop eating so she could be beautiful like her.

Whoa.

This is how little girls think.  And to deny that models have any influence over their thinking is either egotistical or careless.  Would this little girl think this way if she saw examples of many body types of beauty instead?

A British lingerie company is expanding its line to include larger sizes now.  This is their latest model:

Again, she's causing people to stir.  Why?  Because she's curvy.  She's a size 16.  Why is it so controversial for a woman to have curves?  Isn't that just how we're supposed to be?  

Have you ever heard of Thinspiration?  Websites are designed to drive women towards being thin.  In its most basic form, it's supposed to encourage women to be healthy and workout in order to achieve a thin body.  The problem is that this concept has turned into sites that have picture after picture of very thin girls (remember the camera adds 10lbs) dying to see their hip bones poke through, see their thighs not touch, etc.  

You'll see postings of girls talking about month long "fasting."  Not for religious reasons but for weight loss.  One of the screen names reads "ineedskinnygenes."  You will find girls pleading that they need to be "hot."  Here is one example:

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/thinspiration

So these women and girls visit these sites daily to keep being thin always in the forefront of their existence.  This is the only way they know to be beautiful.  There is also a diet/weight loss lifestyle called Pro-Ana....short for Pro-Anorexia.  These sites will swear up and down that they do not encourage eating disorders and simply are looking to help women lose weight and have a healthy lifestyle.  Then why name your branded lifestyle after a debilitating eating disorder that haunts hundreds of thousands of women?

Awareness is just the beginning of the battle.  

Let's re-learn beautiful.  

Be scandalous.  

Girl Model - The Documentary

A filmmaker in Dallas posted information about this documentary, and I wanted to spread the word.

This film follows a model recruiter as she searches for young models to send to Tokyo.  It gives a behind the scenes look at the modeling world.  Here is the website and trailer:

http://www.girlmodelthemovie.com/trailer.html

Please take the time to sneak a peek.  The producers also have a Kickstarter page and they are so close to reaching their goal.  I believe they're spreading a powerful message, and this is one small way you can help.  Make a contribution if you can.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1528747160/girl-model

There are many ways that as women we can support each other as we battle the preconceived and impossible standards of perfection that are thrown in our faces every day.  Here are just a couple of websites you can check out.  Find out ways to get involved.  When enough people bark back, things will change but not until then.

http://www.beautyredefined.net/

http://www.hghw.org/

Best Shape of Your Life Remorse

As the Olympics continue, we all watch these perfectly sculpted bodies doing whatever it is that they do best.

Perhaps nearly all of us have experienced some remorse concerning our physical peaks.  Mine was about 3 years ago now.  I worked out for about an hour a day 5 or 6 times a week.  I didn't eat out much and my diet was restricted to exclude processed meats or cheeses, caffeine, sugar, or fried foods.  After six months of that routine I finally got down to 135 lbs and had some awesome muscle definition starting.  This was also when I was essentially acting full time.  It was part of my job and my routine to be fit and take care of myself.

Other women may have other stories.  I love the show "What Not to Wear," and on a certain episode they had a young woman who used to be a swimmer when she was in high school and early college.  As soon as she stopped swimming her body started to change.  She started to get curvier with hips and bigger boobs.  She was utterly depressed.  She missed the best shape in her life.

Although in previous blogs I've looked for solutions to help with the various heart aches that cause us women struggle.  This particular one is hard to overcome.  Perhaps you were larger, then lost a significant amount of weight only to gain it back later.  How about our yo-yo ladies who can never seem to settle on a size and their emotions take that roller coaster ride with their body?

In our lives we will live many chapters, and each chapter may be very different or familiar.  It depends on the woman.  But there's a certain remorse that I personally feel for having been in that great of shape.  From now on I will always compare my current weight and appearance to that brief year of my life.  I know that are many other women who feel this same way.  After it's been revealed to you that you actually can manage to be that in-shape/healthy it makes it more difficult to accept anything less.

And yet we must.

I don't have time to do what I did before.  But sitting in my chest of drawers are my size 4 jeans.  Like I can't give up the hope that I'll be that size again.  That's why every woman has her skinny jeans.  It's our way of not giving up.  The longer we hold onto those jeans the harder it is to appreciate your present.  To give yourself a break and full acceptance.  The disappointment or sadness that overcomes us with our reflection holds us back.  In fact, it sometimes creates more eating disorders or overeating from emotion.

Should we women of the world give up our skinny jeans??  Absolutely.  But give me one more month...we need a moment together with just the two of us.  After all, breaking up is hard to do.

Why Women Love Their Gay Men

I hear it all the time from straight guys.  "Why do girls always have at least one gay guy friend?"

You often hear in response, "They're safe."  But I think it's more than that.

It's no secret that women crave approval from men.  If you're a woman, and you've never had your own gay boy I suggest you get one as soon as possible.  Why?  They are extremely fun, fully accepting, and they encourage you to be your most beautiful self no matter what other people think.

Some of the most encouraging words I've ever received in my life have been from my gay guy friends.  They have no problem telling you that you're beautiful and fabulous.  Especially when you don't feel like it.  Then there's always the fact that if you're not looking fabulous that day they can do your hair, wardrobe, and make-up for you and magically make you feel better.

And of course, there is the safe factor.  You can listen to his compliments without the fear of manipulation just to get you into bed.  Sorry, good straight guys.  For every one good man, there's typically three losers cutting in line before you getting to the women.  And we can't always count on each other because of the competition factor.

It's that constant encouragement that makes gay men so important to us women.

Ok, ok, so I'm being stereotypical, but the point of this blog is to point out that everyone needs someone that they feel safe with who can give constant encouragement.  The words you surround yourself with are the words you will believe.  If you surround yourself with people who build you up, then you will start to believe it.

WARNING!  Too much inflation is bad for the soul.  The only way to prevent a big head is to exhale some of those compliments given to you onto others.  There's no need for superiority.  We all end up old and wrinkly on the outside, but your soul is always evolving and with a conscious effort you CAN make yourself more beautiful on the inside as the years go by.

So whether you're gay or straight, be that someone for someone else.  A good friend will offer that in return.    

"Fat Aussie Swimmer"

I just read an article about an Australian Olympian swimmer who is being judged for looking "fat" in comparison to previous years.

I have one question to the Australian media:

Can you qualify for the Olympics?  No?  Then shut your mouth.

(As a side note, I wasn't able to download the picture straight from the original article.  I thought I'd try a little experiment.  I searched "Fat Aussie Swimmer" in Google.  Guess what?  Tons of pictures of her.  Breaks your heart.)

Our American media is DEFINITELY just as bad about pointing out "fat" people in the spotlight.  Kelly Clarkson is always under heat for her weight.  Britney Spears can't win: too fat, too skinny, blah, blah, blah.

Think about the journalist that took the time to bring this swimmer's size to everyone's attention.  They would have had to have seen the athlete, taken an unattractive photo, gotten approval from their editor, written the story, and then taken it to print or get it online in this case.

Media outlets worldwide pick us apart.  Imagine!  Now this woman has to deal with criticism on a world stage and still step out in a bathing suit and compete like no one's watching.  Most of us can't even wear a bathing suit in front of our own friends without some sort of cover-up.

It's no wonder we are so obsessed with our weight.  Not even an Olympic athlete is good enough for the powers that be.  That's why it's so important to love yourself and your body.  No one else will do it for you...unless you fit their expectations.  And guess what?  Once you hit a certain age, even those women won't qualify any longer.  That beautiful woman praised for her physicality will one day also be left with no one but herself to see and love her body as-is.

Next time you see an article like this, don't jump on the band wagon.  Keep up the mental exercises.  Find something beautiful in that woman's body.  Don't judge her by calling her gross or fat.  Stick up for your fellow women.  Why shouldn't you?

(Second side note: Kelly Clarkson is an awesome role model for women, because she doesn't care.  When she loses weight it's because she wants to do it not because someone else called her fat.  She's secure in her reality of beauty, and that's rare in the entertainment industry.)

The Benefits of Phototherapy

I love watching documentaries on networks like TLC.  I have a large fascination with psychology.  It might have been one of the reasons why I went into acting in the first place.  Exploring the human mind.

There was once a documentary about a therapist in England who was starting new exploration of beneficial therapy for women with body image difficulties.  She had created a whole other use of the art of photography.

It's called phototherapy.

"I always thought of myself as a humongous whale, then I saw I looked like a concentration camp victim."  --Anorexia Journal

This concept has expanded through the years.  Gifted photographers sometimes take special training in specific courses in order to understand how to work with a person with body image disorders.  Other times therapists learn the art of photography.  Either way, I think it's a wonderful concept.

Although the image above is not very flattering, very often times the photographer aims to find the woman's natural body in its truest and most beautiful state.  The women are allowed to wear as little clothing as they feel comfortable doing, but the ultimate goal is to take a nude photo.  Photography has the amazing ability to see ourselves for how we really look.  Those that partake can range anywhere from anorexics to bulimics to overeaters to sexual abuse victims.

"I wonder what my parents will say.  I haven't confronted them with the sexual abuse memories I've been having.  Well a funny thing happened when I saw myself in those pictures.  I saw a beautiful, sad, complicated, courageous woman.  I realized the worst was really not so bad.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I didn't look like a Playboy centerfold but I didn't care.  For the first time I had sympathy for this somewhat tragic girl staring back at me in all of her vulnerable beauty."  --Incest Journal

If I knew anything about photography or owned a decent camera I would find this a wonderful way to help other women.  In my past, I have had the luck of working with many gifted photographers and I have some beautiful photos of myself.  What a self esteem booster!  Once I got the guts to do a bikini shot, but that was a beauty photo.  These photos are something different.

You can't ask just any photographer to do this.  They have to be sensitive to you.  They have to be able to capture your essence.  Your pain.  Your inner and outer beauty.  And most importantly, you have to feel comfortable enough with the photographer to be naked.  More often than not, the photographers/therapists are women.  It can work with bra and underwear, but it's my understanding that the therapy really takes hold when you confront your naked body head on.

I find, as a normal insecure woman, some sort of comfort in these other ladies' photos.  I'm so used to seeing photoshopped images, it's refreshing to see something real.  It's nice to say, "Hey, I'm not that different!"

Have you ever considered doing something like this?  It takes a huge amount of trust with the photographer, but I would imagine the results would be life changing.  I'll admit, it would terrify me.  But I wonder what I would think or feel once I saw the photos.  

If that seems a bit much for you, try this at first.  Work with a photographer who is gifted at making all women look beautiful in general.  I generally like pin-up girl photographers.  It's like a costume of sorts so that you don't feel quite so exposed.  And the pin-up world (for women) is very open to all body types of women.  You'll find yourself welcomed with open arms whether you're a size 00 or 22.  Although it's not quite the same impact as the phototherapy nudes, it's a great start.  It's one tiny step to be able to look at yourself outside of the mirror...and I think that's something we could all use.

If you try either one, let me know how it affected you.  I think it's a beneficial venture.

**Phototherapy photos and quotes taken from http://photographytherapy.com/index.htm.  Pin-up photo from http://www.kabloomstudios.com/blog/pretty-as-a-pin-up-vintage-style/.

Should Transvestites Compete with Women?

In the last year there was a controversy about the winner of the Canadian beauty pageant.  The winner was a transvestite.  It suddenly became an issue.  What to do?  They eventually decided to let her compete.

Beauty and the Curves is about to get controversial.

She protested that she was being disqualified for "being born."

What is my humble blogger opinion?

SHE DOES NOT QUALIFY.

*Gasp*

As a costumer, I have worked with and been around a lot of drag queens.  Seen many drag shows.  Wanna know a drag queen tip?  Use clear dance floor tape.  It works best.

"What's that got to do with the pageant?"  I also know the lengths that these originally born men go to in order to look like a woman.

"But he used drug therapy and surgery and now he's a she!"

Here's my beef.

He is a manufactured she.  She got to choose her cheek bones, the size of her breasts, the curve of her hips, how plump her lips will be....and the list goes on.  Every day women don't choose these things.  We're born with them and then we have to learn to love and accept them the way they are.  Which is a huge struggle.  A struggle that profits companies millions of dollars every year, because we can't seem to like our natural selves.  Now you're telling us that we're having to compete against someone who composed herself completely surgically?!  We can't win!

"What about other women in the pageant who have also had plastic surgery?"

I have many friends who have breast implants and have used plastic surgery.  I am not an advocate for plastic surgery for vanity purposes.  In every case, I can confidently say, "You looked beautiful before."  In light of my opinion on that, it makes sense for me to follow by saying,

Plastic surgery should not be allowed in ANY beauty pageant.

I want to see natural beauty.  I want to see a woman who loves herself and advocates all sizes of women.  A woman who eats right and exercises.  My artistic eye prefers to see a very slender woman with smaller breasts.  The large, fake ones don't look right.  They're not proportionate.  Sure I have larger breasts, but I also have larger than average hips.  Most models' hips are 32" or 34".  My hips are 39".  So does it not make sense that the model would be an A or a B cup and I'm a DD?  We're talking 5-7" difference!  And I'm convinced that one is just as beautiful as the other.

Quit making us women live up to an unobtainable fantasy.  The only way to compete with a manufactured woman is to manufacture yourself.  If Jenna (Miss Canada) felt the need to alter her entire body for her happiness, that's her beef.  That's not what I'm about.  In fact, it's the complete OPPOSITE of what I'm about.  I'm about finding happiness in who you are and how you were created.  I'm not going to delve into the transvestite argument of whether it's right or wrong.  But I will say this.

I wish Jenna could've loved herself no matter what.  Even as a man.  
 

We have a History of Dysmorphia

body dysmorphic disorder

 noun

: pathological preoccupation with an imagined or slight physical defect of one's body to the point of causing significant stress or behavioral impairment in several areas (as work and personal relationships)

The other day I was picking up something for work.  As I jumped into my car and turned the key to start the engine, I looked up and my jaw dropped.  

Walking into the store that I had just left was a woman of approximately 45 or so.  She was clearly anorexic.  And I'm not exaggerating.  She couldn't have weighed more than 85 or 90 lbs and she looked to be at least 5'7".  She wore a t-shirt and jeans.  I suppose it was an attempt cover her frail body.  I wasn't sure how she was walking.

It was one of those moments where I screamed in my head, "Somebody help her!  She's clearly dying.  Are we going to just sit back and watch this woman walk around when she is so obviously committing a slow and cruel death to her body?  Would we let someone walk around with a gunshot wound and do nothing?"

Of course I know it's not realistic for someone to stop her and make her go to a hospital, but I wish it were possible.

Obviously anorexia is a severe eating disorder.  It's a physical manifestation of the emotional and psychological warfare going on within the person's head...and soul.  

Unfortunately, I think each of us women have a touch of that thinking within us.  Body dysmorphia is much more common and is dictated by our unique cultures.  You see, us ladies, have never been happy with our natural bodies.

As soon as our sewing techniques developed the corset began.  The enlightenment of the Renaissance quickly started the era of the corset.  Although through the hundreds of years the shape of the corset shifted, it was always present.  The attempt was to maintain a waist of approximately 17"-19".  This was the effect:

                              

 Pregnant ladies were to stay in the home until her baby bump was gone.  In fact, in Victorian times it was considered inappropriate to see a noticeably pregnant woman in public.  With that in mind, the women would wear their corsets as long as possible causing damage to the baby.  Even men during the Victorian era wore corsets.

With the roaring 1920s women rebuked the standards and wanted to rid themselves of such restraints.  They went the opposite direction.  They wanted to look more like men.  Their silhouettes were straight up and down.  They didn't want curves to be noticeable at all.  They chopped their hair off and hated large breasts.  The straighter your pearls hung down your chest the better...meaning the flatter the better.

The depression was a game changer and as the wars started, women went back to their roots of being the caregiver or going to work while their husbands fought.  As the men came home, femininity was more important.  We started to like and appreciate curves.  In fact, women were trying to gain weight to be curvier.  Bullet bras and undergarments helped keep the body in perfect curves.

As women craved more independence and rights, we stripped ourselves of our undergarments and went free.

This is when I think we started down a different path of dysmorphia.  Now we have Spanx and other polyester helpers, but we revere "true" beauty as a woman who doesn't use any undergarments.  We now believe that Playboy defines beauty. And guess what are the beauty tools of choice.  Photoshop.  Plastic surgery.

Not that the previous variations of body dysmorphia were healthy for the human body in any way, but now we have a greater mind game involved.  

We must be perfect naked.

So we stand in front of the mirror and start to pick apart our bodies.  We look at Spanx as cheating.  So now we're resorting to knives and starvation as our corsets.  Always in search for perfection.

I do it too.  I'm super guilty of standing in front of the mirror and pushing my love handles back so I can't see them.  I've been told, "You're the perfect candidate for lipo suction!"

Um, thanks?

Whatever this is in us women that feels this need to alter our bodies has always been with us.  You're not alone.  You're not a freak.  Your imperfections are perfectly normal.  Those models with the airbrushing are the "freaks."  Meaning, they are unusual.  They are certainly beautiful, and I don't want to dismiss beautiful healthy women at all.  But with our world shrinking, the media can find the most beautiful women in the world and flaunt them as "norm."  It's a psychological game that we fall into on a daily basis.  

Define your own reality.  What is your "norm?"  What can you appreciate in the world's most beautiful women?  More importantly, what can you appreciate in your own beauty?  In the women in your real life?  Take a moment to look at another woman's flaw in a positive light.  Don't judge her out of jealousy or hate.  Find her beauty.  The more you find beauty in the flaws of the women in your own life, the easier it will be to appreciate your own flaws.  You will slowly start to redefine your reality and your normal state of beauty.  We have been fooled.  Beauty is not just physical.  Beauty is mental.  Emotional.  Psychological.  

Beauty is what you define it to be.  Your own beauty is defined by you.