"If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible."
-Invisible Monsters; Chuck Palahnuik
This is going to be an unusual blog in the fact that I will not be author behind most of it. I want to walk you through the minds of women struggling with their weight, but they are not overweight. These are women who love the sight of cheekbones, hip bones, and thigh gaps.
It will be a longer blog, but what a walk it will be. EVERY woman has a little bit of this obsession in her. The photos are these particular women's inspiration. In the next blog I will talk more about everything below in particular, but for now I want you to just read and view. Absorb. Take it in. Is it foreign to you? Somewhat similar? Heartbreakingly too close to home?
(Bold words are my own emphasis.)
ABC Diet Day 4: 400
Breakfast: 1 small strawberry (2)
Lunch: salad with a tofurkey slice (23), strawberries and cherries (24), popcorn (200) (ugh)
Snack: Peanut butter (40) (why??)
Dinner: 2 slices of tofurkey bacon (40), strawberries (30)
Total intake: 359
Binged on popcorn and strawberries. I ate generally a lot today. :(
I almost screwed up
I had an unintentional fast all day and it was going great until my mom comes home at 10pm with a 10pc nugget meal from McDonald’s. Seriously. 10 piece. Fucking gross. I wasn’t even hungry until then. I thought I was going to cave and eat and just fuck up my SDG calorie limit (300) until I remembered that “Chew and Spit” thing. Doing that saved my life! It really does work, for me anyway. I hate McDonald’s in general because of how terrible it is for you. The only reason I eat it is because it’s tastes okay and it’s cheap. But yeah, I just avoided putting 800 disgusting calories into my body. I mean, 800 calories from terrible food, not even relatively healthy food. Unacceptable!
OH MY GAD the perfect representation of what I want my lower body to look like. All boxy and lanky and boyish and gah I can’t, omg I can’t
I ate... a lot.... let me die, please..
Fuck
Didn’t eat all day because I was an idiot yesterday and ate. So i’m “fasting” for a few days until I deserve to eat again. I’m fuckin hungry though. Gosh I’m so fat. What? All I can think about is food? My mom’s husband made burgers and they smelled good. I just didn’t eat though. I’m going to hold out tonight, going to be hard cause its just me here. Day 1 down. 3 to go.
I WANT A FUCKING THIGH GAP!
I still haven't lost any more
But I think it has something to do with water weight from my period that has lasted fucking 2 weeks now.
You can fuck off any time. :)
ANYway… All I’ve eaten today is a cucumber and some almonds.
Maybe 100 calories?
And I’ve been sweating my ASS off all day long from working.
I must have burned some of it off by now.
I hope.
But I get to buy my bike tomorrow.
At least I’ll have some more exercise in my life!
I tried taking mango extract after hearing about it on the Dr. Oz show. Basically the mango fruit extract moderates your appetite so you don’t overeat AND it improves the body’s ability to access fat that’s stored up - so you eat less and burn more fat.
That means I can still eat what I want too, I just get full quickly. I don’t have to make awkward excuses at family meals about why I’m not eating and there’s so much less temptation, and less temptation means less guilt. It’s totally helped me have a better relationship with food.
I started eating less, and was losing about 3 pounds a week. I knew my mom had used colon cleansing products in the past to lose weight fast so I tried that too.
In the past month I’ve been taking the Mango Extract in the morning to control my appetite, AND the Colon Cleanse at night to shed any pounds I put on during the day. And OMG it works amazing! Using this combination I’ve lost 18 pounds in less than 4 weeks.
It sucks though cuz buying both can be expensive, but rather than buying them at the store, I’ve been buying them over the internet and have used online coupons to get them for free! Its friggin’ perfect, you still have to pay for shipping but it costs like $8 to have the body you want.
If I was as thin as I wanted to be, I’d wake up and look in the mirror. There would be no rolls of fat to pinch, no ripples or bulges that slap together like chunks of whale blubber. I would turn around and look at my ass, which would be pert and perfect and a beautiful peach shape, not lumpy. I would lift up my arms which would be slim, toned and delicate like a ballerina’s. I would have a gorgeous man in my bed who would wake up and tell me how beautiful and sexy my body is. I would slip into my jeans easily, no muffin top or tightness digging into my waist. My legs would look like elegant bent pencils rather than chunky sausages. I would no longer fear the scales as I would be my perfect weight and look the best I can be xoxo
things
i seem to be sinking in a pit of dismal seclusion. i can’t even pass my own reflection anymore. to look into the eyes of this stranger, this being i’m inhabiting seems almost impossible. food isn’t an obstacle anymore, i don’t even want to eat. sometimes it almost feels like i’m making myself just so i won’t have to encounter any late night trembles. i sat next to my cat outside, smoking a cigarette and realized that this life i’m living isn’t even a life. my insignificance swallows me whole, and i forget to breathe. this selfish ice cube that i am, not even the heat can break me free. i feel like a waste of space, what have i done - what’s the point of striving for anything? i’ll eternally be floating around in this black hole, unfortunately aware of my nothingness. i don’t need self pity, in fact i despise any type of affection that lingers my way.. it just ends up fading in the end..
i’ll just drip into the atmosphere now.
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