Life isn't a Diet

I've been gone from my blog for awhile now.  Sorry for the absence.  I went through a phase where I had nothing to say.  There was no encouragement from me, because I've been struggling with my own physical acceptance.

It doesn't feel right to write encouraging words and give advice on self love when you're not sure how you're currently feeling about yourself.  I gained all of five pounds, which on a small frame like mine translates to a whole other size.  So several years back I was a size 4 with measurements of 35/26/37.  Yea, I know....sickening.  But I was exercising and forced to stick to a strict hypoglycemic diet, which translates to no sugar, no fried food, no processed meats or cheeses, and no caffeine.  I went from a full time actress to having to commit to a full time job again, so not soon after I went back to a size 6.  Then the best and the worst thing happened:

I am no longer hypoglycemic.

Just as the doctor predicted, I "outgrew" it.  Which means......I CAN EAT SUGAR AGAIN!!!!

Uh, oh.  I can eat sugar again.

That means...

And...

And what about this??

Ok, so I exaggerate a little bit.  But I'm telling you, it's like my brain is addicted!  Worst offender for me?  A chocolate Oreo Sonic blast.  Did you know you could add chocolate to the Oreo blast?  You do now.  

You're welcome.

So, needless to say, I've gained 5lbs and now I'm an 8.  Feels like it happened fast.  I probably could've just smeared chocolate Oreo blast straight onto my love handles and been done with it.

I've had to adjust.  When you change sizes for the larger, it hurts.  So then you get depressed.  Know what helps with depression?  A chocolate Oreo blast.  

But I digress.

I still struggle with keeping my blood sugar steady when I workout, so I went to a trainer for a test run. He pumped all kinds of crap into my body until two hours after the workout I was sick and throwing up.  Then tonight I went back to the gym, and after about 5 months it happened.

I realized I still like my body.

It took some time getting over the increase in number on my pants.  But when I look in the mirror at the gym, I like what I see.  And guess what?  I'm still the same size, but I want to workout because I like the way I look.  It's strange, and I didn't predict it.  It seems as though the better I feel about my body, regardless of my size, the more I enjoy working out.  

My focus is no longer going to be on losing weight.  I don't want to go through life constantly thinking about calories and weight and numbers on my pants.  I simply want to be healthy.  I will try to get to the gym at least 3 times a week.  I NEVER WEIGH myself.  I will look to be active, but not obsessed or depressed.  

I won't give up my enjoyable chocolate Oreo blast.

There's no getting in the way of true love.