I had to go to the eye doctor today. For those that do not know, I am legally blind, but with how great contact lenses are these day they are able to correct my vision. This morning was not the best of news for me.
From the long term wearing of my contact lenses, my corneas are swollen and my blood vessels are starting to grow in areas of my eyes where they should not be. This is because my eyes are searching for oxygen around my contacts. Clearly this cannot continue. Over many decades I could really lose my vision. So I had to purchase glasses today. Not that I have to wear only glasses, but I can't wear my contact longer than 10 hours a day.
Most "normal" people wouldn't think twice about it. What's the big deal?
Let's move back in my childhood days. Doesn't it seem like everything that permanently impacts us happens when we're young? And then we spend our entire lives overcoming whatever challenges were presented to us at a young age.
I was definitely a nerd when I was little. I have often been described as an old soul. I never understood kids my age and didn't understand the point of silly games that kids liked to play. I read books all the time (still do), and was always the smartest in my class. Eventually I was moved into the "Gifted and Talented" class that was designed to challenge advanced students. I never technically passed the tests to be permitted in the class, but my teacher was so insistent that I needed to be there that the school allowed it. Actually, the school wanted to skip me a grade level, but my parents told them no. I was so socially awkward that they didn't want that added stress on me as a child. I couldn't thank my parents enough for that. So I was put in the advanced class, but I was the slowest kid the class. Everything was logic, math, and science. I'm an artist. Throw advanced literature at me, and I could have ran circles around those other kids but that's not what elementary school is about.
So either way, I didn't fit in. I physically didn't fit in. I was always made fun of. I befriended the other teased child in the class year after year. One part of me that was always part of the teasing was the glasses I wore.
The teasing had a large an impact on me. When I was fourteen I was already wearing contact lenses, but one of them tore while on vacation. My parents told me I would need to just wear my glasses.
"Just wear your glasses."
I am normally a very even tempered human being, but I couldn't handle that phrase. Those glasses were the portal to the hatred that had been poured upon me for my entire childhood by those outside of my family. I took my (very expensive) glasses and threw them as hard as I could at the wall. I have no idea how they didn't break. My parents stood shocked at my behavior. I think I shriveled up into a ball of screaming and tears, refusing to wear my glasses.
Clearly many years have passed since then, but I have yet to go into public wearing glasses. My scars were too deep. So today, when the doctor told me I would have to wear glasses from time to time my adult had to talk my inner child down off the ledge.
I'm nervous about how people will perceive me. The adult in me knows it's going to be fine, and some people may even like me in glasses. My inner child is still kicking and screaming.
Do you have something about your physical appearance that has haunted you for your entire life? Have you ever had a moment when you had no choice but to face it head on? What childhood beauty fears are locked within you that need to be released so that you can move forward with loving every part of you?
I pick up my glasses tomorrow. I will hate it, and I really won't want to wear them but I will. Just a little self-loving beauty step forward.
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